Kim Lee Park
South Korean Olympic Committee
Seoul, South Korea
Good morning favorable competitors and losers by destiny.
My name is Kim Lee Park and I would like to thank you for inviting us to humiliate you on the field of Olympic battle. We are looking forward to meeting you happy athletes and pushing your noses in the snow. In the spirit of favorable manners and friendship, I have amiable things to say to welcome each f you to the familyof6 glorious freezing event.
To Australia, we like your Paul Hogan and upside down architecture.
To England, we find your Big Ben very loud and are amused by the humorous hats worn by your palace guard whose chin straps never fit.
To Switzerland, we are looking forward to placing our massive winnings in your famous banks and drinking your cocoa.
To Sweden, we saw video of your inebriated chef. We saw him make drink of beer and vegetables. To make more palatable, we suggest to bury it in a pot for several months.
To U.S.A. we thank you for putting fence through the middle of our country. We also admire your funny comedian people like Bugs Bunny, Pauly Shore, and Rush Limbaugh.
To India, I am sorry, but we know your name is not "Raymond".
To Greece, we admire the foods of palatable quality that you are famous for, like spinach and olive lubricant.
To Iceland, we are looking forward to see your olympic uniforms that make you all look like swans.
To the Netherlands, your freedoms are facinating to us, but in Olympics, please do not bring any needles or prostitutes.
To Austria, we love your amusing animals with pockets like kangaroo and wombat and find amazing your habit of eating beermaking waste on toast.
To Finland, we very much like your majestic reindeer. Most of the time on barbecue.
To Denmark, your dogs are very large. Also would like on barbecue.
To New Zealand, kiwi fruit we find to go well with reindeer and dog.
To the Bahamas, we offer our congratulations in finding fame and majesty in bad Beach Boys song.
To Japan, our brothers in the sea. Please do not kill all our dolphins. Also, could you please tell us the correct way to get the time from 12:00 on our DVD players?
To Jamaica, your bobsled team is honorable. Please accept our gracious gift of instructor in proper hair hygiene.
To Guatemala, yes, you are here, too.
To Germany, we admire your beer and oompahs, but sauerkraut could use some spicyness and fish juice.
To Italy, we promise, we will have rest of money in two days. We very much are accustomed to kneecaps.
And to Canada, land of moose and hockey pucks, we offer our condolences that Rush is not a proficient enough rock group to enter Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Again, we offer our welcomes and looking forward to seeing you all stand humbly beneath us on dais of glory.
Kim Lee Park
25-FEB-10 Update
Oh mon, now we got more trouble! Dat crafty Mr. Kim Le Park tryin' to get in cahoots wit his neighbor:
Greetings my glorious second cousin,
As per our previous conversation, I believe the kimchee snow grenades we spoke of would be of great use against opponents in familyof6 Olympic Games competition. Please send me one case (144) as well as one bottle Mama Kyung Soon's Barbecue Sauce for Terriers. The grenades will be of great use in defeating western imperialist athletes, and barbecue sauce will make spoiled American dogs palatable.
Please tell family I said hello.
Kim Lee Park
P.S.: Does Mama Kyung Soon have Kangaroo flavor?
Ha Ha Ha!
Please do not remember previous message for glorious Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il. Er, was Korean joke, ha! South Korean athletes have never heard of kim chee snow grenades, so how could they bring to Olympic Games? In fact, there are no such things as kim chee snow grenades. What silly idea! Kim chee snow grenades are mythology, like Mickey Mouse. Never were there such things! Your various countries creative imaginations have dreamed them into being! No kim chee snow grenades! Or dog-flavored barbecue sauce, too! Ha Ha! You see, I am laughing at worldwide silliness! Ha Ha! Kim chee snow grenades, how ridiculous!
Kim Lee Park
Chairman, South Korean Olympic Committee
